Feb. 13th

asdfghjkl;
I want my mom and dad here so bad.
I just want them to hold me and whisper that it will be alright.
But its not alright.
 

This is the tattoo my brothers and I got for for mom that passed away 10 years ago from heart disease. Its the number one killer in America. Please be aware. My Mom was only 38 when she died. It could happen to anyone. Rest in Peace mom.

I was driving while I crying (which is a horrible horrible thing to do, never do it ever)
And I got a call. I didn’t answer, but I looked to see who it was.
And when I looked up my vision was really blurry but I heard honking.
I tried to focus on the road, and after a few moment I saw I was half way on the other side of the road, a few moments from hitting head on a huge truck, that would have killed me.
I was going 40 in a 25.
I pulled over and stopped crying.
You’d think I’d cry more.
But I didn’t.
I sat there debating on whether I could start driving again.
It took me ten minutes to get myself to do it. 

Sometimes when I’m laying here alone, 
I look out my window and I think..

What if I were to just.. jump. 

Mumford and sons are going to be in Monterey and they’re sold out.






[dies] 

Now you’re not.

But you’re not a reason I want to die.

Just someone I know who wont be as impacted.

I know you think it’ll mess you up badly,

but eventually I’ll just be a distant memory.

Faded away in the back of your mind.

Without control I have started to hate myself more than I have in a long time.
The more and more shit piles on I just find myself in this horrible state.
I want to run away from everything.
I want to fucking die.
I want nothing more to just not exist anymore.
Alex basically hates me, which I understand why.
I hate me too.
I nearly fucked up several  peoples lives last night, just because I let people drink with me.
I can’t help but completely hate myself.
For everything I have ever done to anyone.

Have you ever just started thinking about all the bad things you have ever done and just feel like you completely ripped your heart out in the process and now thats there is just a gaping hole of nothingness?
Yeah. Thats how I feel right now.

Can I just move as far away from everyone as possible?
I guess its good that everyone is slowly starting to hate me…
Makes everything easier when I’m gone. 

Crying so badly right now.
I had a great day.

And now my tears stream down my face as I realize:
I’m so upset because my parents aren’t here. And will never see me graduate.

I miss them more than anything in the world right now.

This isn’t fair.

Rest in peace… 

Well… here we are again. 2 weeks apart. 
It’s crazy to me. 10 whole years since that moment. That day where everything stopped and I wished it was only a dream…
Sometimes it seems like it went by so fast, but lately these 10 years and felt long.
I miss my mom so much, and love her more than I can explain. She’s a goddess.
Rest in Peace momma, ♥