Come to realize That no matter how hard I try I will always have a hatred towards you. I will never trust you. Or want to be around you. When I think of you being around him… Anxiety builds in my chest and Anger lashes through my bones.
You are filth. You make me sick. You can not be trusted.
But… you are apart of my life. If I choose to have him. And I have to deal with you. Your filth. Your hate.
Here is the roads I have to in front of me. To have everything I wanted in one person plus you. Or end all ties with the one I need most, So I don’t have to ever think about you again.
I haaaaate getting jealous. Especially when I feel like I’m getting jealous for a stupid reason. Just seeing something stupid and my insides go crazy with suspicion. Suddenly for a few moments I question my trust with you, even if you haven’t done anything wrong to me. And I wont let this go I know it. It’ll eat at my mind until I can’t take it anymore and I’ll break, either get mad at you and go off, or crumble into myself with insecurities and cry myself to sleep. I could just ask you about it, and I know what you’ll say. That is nothing. And it’s probably not. And I’ll say I believe you, which most of me will. But there’s still going to be this ounce of doubt in the back of my brain, picking at my anxiety until I have this mental break down. And every time you don’t text me back or look distracted I’ll think you’re up to no good…
Without control I have started to hate myself more than I have in a long time. The more and more shit piles on I just find myself in this horrible state. I want to run away from everything. I want to fucking die. I want nothing more to just not exist anymore. Alex basically hates me, which I understand why. I hate me too. I nearly fucked up several peoples lives last night, just because I let people drink with me. I can’t help but completely hate myself. For everything I have ever done to anyone.
Have you ever just started thinking about all the bad things you have ever done and just feel like you completely ripped your heart out in the process and now thats there is just a gaping hole of nothingness? Yeah. Thats how I feel right now.
Can I just move as far away from everyone as possible? I guess its good that everyone is slowly starting to hate me… Makes everything easier when I’m gone.
And in all honesty I strongly dislike you in return. But I figured we were past this stupid drama crap you always pull. I’m not in your life as much as I possibly could be. We fake our smiles when we run into each other. Probably because we share a best friend. But jesus christ, do you have to be so fake? If you really want to cause me bodily harm why do you act so nice to me in person? I mean frankly if something bad happened to you, honestly I’d probably be grateful. You f*$%ed up my life. You completely screwed me over. But I don’t anonymously threaten you over the internet. Ugh, sometimes I wonder why I don’t just say you’re the biggest bitch I’ve ever met to your face. Well, Like i said: We share a best friend.
